Q & A Archives

These are Questions & Answers posed by ordinary people looking for guidance.  Dr. Judy Baus has thoughtfully answered each person and feels that these responses just might help someone else in their time of need.

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09/08/2008 10:00 AM

Dear Judy,

A tragedy struck our family and I’m not sure what I can do to help. My niece’s 3-year-old son fell into a motel swimming pool and drowned. My niece had gone to check the gate into the area, thinking her 6-year-old daughter was with her son, but she had stepped out of the area. Seconds later my niece came back and didn’t see her daughter or her son. She checked the bathroom, and then she saw her son lying lifeless in the pool. She administered CPR and so did the paramedics, but it was too late.

I tried to encourage and support her. I told her that accidents happen, but you can imagine what she was going through. Both she and her daughter have feelings of guilt.  I told her she and her whole family must go to counseling because it is accidents like this that tear families apart. I told her I believe in her and that she would be able to do this and that I was praying for her.

What more could I do? We are not close and she never communicates with me.

-- Strange duck in the family


Dear Strange Duck,

I first want to say how sorry I am for this family’s loss. This is a terrible accident, and you are so right about a tragedy like this tearing a family apart. The whole family is grieving and feeling the guilt of the accident, especially the mother. This six-year-old sister will also feel the guilt and the loss of her brother deeply. By going to check the pool gate, your niece obviously wanted to keep her children safe, but in spite of that, all the WHAT IFS will come to each of their minds. The WHAT IFS won’t change the facts, but I think it is part of processing through this whole accident.

I am a Doctor in Theology, not Psychology, but I strongly agree that the family needs to talk with a counselor who specializes in trauma events. I feel a Christian counselor would be ideal. But they’ll have to decide this for themselves. You didn’t mention their religious beliefs so I am guessing they do not have one. John 3:16 says, “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.” The part of this Scripture I would focus on for this family is the LOVE of God for them. Even before they believe in Him, God loves them just the same.

If they do not communicate with you and you are a Christian, then the greatest action you can do for this family is to pray for them. There’s power in prayer. You could also send cards that are worded to encourage, strengthen, and bring hope to the family. Often people will read a card when they will not speak in person or on the phone. The family can’t be expected to reach out to anyone at this time.

Christians hurt just the same when they lose a loved one, but they have the promises from God’s Word to cling to and His love to comfort them and hold them together. They know that their loved one, if a believer, is now with the Lord. It is a lot harder for people who do not have a personal relationship with God.

Look for a card with an appropriate Scripture verse at the bottom. I would suggest writing a simple line--“I am praying for your family” and sign it, “Love, your name” and let the card say the rest. Do this from time to time so they are reminded that you care and are praying. When you pray, pray God’s promises for this family remembering the words in Isaiah 55:11 “… My word be that goes forth from My mouth; It shall not return to Me void, but it shall accomplish what I please, and it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it.”

Your love, prayers, and cards of encouragement will make a difference and it will help you come through the grieving process too. I pray this helps!