Q & A Archives
These are Questions & Answers posed by ordinary people looking for guidance. Dr. Judy Baus has thoughtfully answered each person and feels that these responses just might help someone else in their time of need.
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11/03/2008 11:53 AM
Dear Judy,
My second husband and I have grown apart and I’m considering getting a divorce. My 17-year-old son recently moved out and is staying with his grandparents because he can’t stand his stepdad. Plus my 15-year-old daughter is happy at the thought of my getting a divorce. My husband claims the problem is my job. I’m a Head Nurse at a hospital and put in more than 40 hours. I love my job and we need my good income. I’ve been getting counseling from a local pastor who tells me if I’m so miserable, I should leave him. So everything is pointing in that direction. What do you think?
Unhappy Wife
Dear Unhappy,
I am assuming because you are counseling with a pastor that you are a Christian. You did not say if your husband is a Christian. So I am going to assume you are both Christians. Pastors have different views on separation and divorce, but I believe as a minister of the gospel I need to keep every part of my guidance biblical. I am not a counselor but a minister. You say this is your second marriage so your children have gone through this before with you. I am sorry for this because our children have to make so many adjustments when a divorce/remarriage takes place.
God takes the marriage covenant very seriously and divorce too. Malachi 2:16 records, “For the LORD God of Israel says that He hates divorce…." Jesus goes on to say in the Gospels of Matthew and Mark that hardness of heart brings about divorce, but this is not a good reason for divorce unless this hardness of heart is caused by a spouse’s sexual immorality. If a person is getting abused verbally or physically, then I would also advise a separation.
You say you have grown apart. Growing apart is not sexual immorality, or verbal or physical abuse. In a biblical sense this is no grounds for divorce. Growing apart happens when a couple does not make the time and effort to work on their relationship with one another. God must be at the center of their lives as a couple and as individuals.
You should listen to what your husband is saying about your job being the problem. Talk it over. Maybe adjustments can be made to ease the problem. You have two children who have needed you to help them with the adjustment of a stepfather and that can be a full-time job. You said you like your job and you need the good money. What are these things if your marriage is falling apart?
Being a Mom is a huge job, and being a stepparent is even more huge. Often children don’t accept the new person in that parent role. You need to do everything you can to help everyone adjust to this second marriage and this includes your husband with the children and the children with your husband. These are your children, not his, and this is your responsibility.
I don’t know the issues surrounding your family now with all of the tough issues with parents and stepparents, but I do know that marriage is not a 50/50 deal. It’s 100% giving from the wife and 100% giving from the husband.
Any marriage can be fixed with the help of God when you determine you want it fixed. It’s not up to your children to make this decision. It is up to you and your husband. When you first met your husband, was he important to you? You married him so I am assuming he was. Marriage is a commitment, not an emotional high. Choose to love one another, not just wait until you feel like it.
I pray you do whatever it takes to make your commitment work. Your children need to see their mother work out problems, not run from them, and one who will do the right thing, whatever that takes. Your first commitment is to God and from this commitment He will help you with the rest!