Q & A Archives

These are Questions & Answers posed by ordinary people looking for guidance.  Dr. Judy Baus has thoughtfully answered each person and feels that these responses just might help someone else in their time of need.

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11/01/2009 08:10 PM

Dear Judy,
My daughter and I used to be very close; we talked about everything. I’m heartbroken that we no longer have this. We still go to church as a family, but for some reason, my daughter is pulling away and spending more and more time alone or with friends. I trust her, but with this change of behavior, I am concerned.

Dear Concerned Mom:
I am neither a psychologist nor a counselor; I am a minister. I am also a mom and grandmother of two teens, and I say you have every right to be concerned. It is great that your daughter is going to church with you and that you are giving her a good biblical foundation. You are following the wisdom found in Proverbs 22:6, Train up a child in the way he should go, and (even) when he is old he will not depart from it.

Training up means the parent goes beyond going to church to becoming the church by investing in your daughter wisdom, love, nurture, and discipline to help her become fully committed to God. The words in the way he should go means training according to your child’s unique personality, gifts, and aspirations. It also means to train the child to avoid whatever natural tendencies she might have that would prevent total commitment to God.

This verse is not a guarantee that the child will not stray away, but is giving a general spiritual principle also found in Galatians 6:9. The idea of seeds sown in the early years of a child’s life may not bring forth fruit until later years.

By your seeing a change in her behavior early on, you can also act on it early. Often we as parents trust our children when we should be checking up on them. At times we want to be our child’s close friend believing them to tell us the truth all the time. We set up loose boundaries, curfews, and guidelines with trust in mind. However, boundaries, curfews, and guidelines should be firmly set in order to protect your teen from peer pressure. They can then cast the blame on you for why they can’t go and do something.

A lie to a teen has a very vague definition. Unless you ask the question just right, you won’t hear the correct response, but to them it is not a lie! Everything has to be put very plain and direct to get plain and direct answers.

Our teens are under a lot of pressure from society. Parents need to monitor what their teen listens too, watches on TV, and does on the computer. I feel strongly that cell phones need to be checked regularly as to what they are texting (or sending) and what is being texted (and sent) to them.

Does this sound harsh? The times your teen is living in are harsh! They need our protection even if they think they don’t. If your teen is spending a lot of time alone, you better know what they are alone with. A parent should regularly go into the teen’s room and check things out! There are no locked or closed doors to parents.

 Check out those friends she is hanging with. Hopefully you know them, but if you don’t, you better find out! Are these friends from church, school, or both? Remember every parent raises a child differently even in the church and remember she will be influenced by who she hangs with. Where are they hanging out? If they are hanging out in your house you can control it better, but if they are at someone else’s house, you have no control.

As a family, hold short devotions and prayer to kick each day off with the right focus--God. The Bible tells us that the Holy Spirit will lead you into all truth. Remember, the world’s values are pulling on your child each day. So stay concerned and do a lot snooping!